The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
