3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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