it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm sobbing to NWA
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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