Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
