I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
