My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just cut my nipple shaving
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
