I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
