That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize