the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
