hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
