so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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