just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
