walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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