i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize