i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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