I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
