Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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