I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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