my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
