so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
