as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize