You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
