I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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