I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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