Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
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