i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
