I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize