ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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