You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
