We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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