SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
