Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
