You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
