I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
