It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
