I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
