if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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