just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
