I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
