Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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