Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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