My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Success! We fucked roommates!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
