anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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