broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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