My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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