FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
