Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
This show inspires me to have sex in space
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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