The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
