What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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