Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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