Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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