Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
40s are totally the cure
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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