Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
