So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Randomize
