Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
