just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
