You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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