Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
