Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
